Too Bad You Can’t Not See it Twice
We went to see Transformers 2 a while ago, and it was one of the worst movies I've seen in a long, long time. In fact, it was probably the worst "summer blockbuster" movie that I've ever seen.
To be fair, the special effects were pretty cool, and that kept me interested for about 20 minutes. But after that, I started to feel like I was trapped in the kitchen while someone smashed brightly painted pots and pans together for another two hours.
I actually found this fake trailer quite a bit more entertaining than the real movie:
So what exactly do I hate so much about Transformers 2?
It's not that the movie's plot relies more on explosions and fights than on dialogue and acting. That's pretty normal for a summer action flick.
It's not even that the movie feels like a (criminally unrealistic) two hour recruitment ad for the American military. That really does annoy me, especially when it's so obviously targeted at children. But the first Transformers movie did exactly the same thing, and I managed to overlook it both times.
No, the real problem is that I like stories, and the story in Transformers 2 makes absolutely no sense at all. None. You might think, so what? I'm here to watch robots fight each other, not worry about plot. Who cares if the writing is lame?
You'll care.
You see, even in movies that just blow stuff up, there's still a certain minimum level of storytelling required. A baseline level of writing quality that has to be there, or else even the explosions don't make sense.
Unfortunately, the plot for this movie is so senseless that by the end, you will literally not be able to understand why any character did anything. Your brain will hurt from trying to find a coherent story where none exists, and you'll wonder if maybe you're just not paying enough attention.
Sadly, the problem is not that you're paying too little attention, it's that you're paying too much. Because the more closely you watch this movie, the less sense it makes.
In the end, your best option is probably to put in some earplugs, close your eyes whenever Shia LaBeouf comes on screen, and try to relax for a few hours while you watch the brave soldiers and the shiny robots beat up all the not-so-shiny robots.
That, or you could just go see pretty much any other movie.
