blog @ xanatos.ca

Playoff Freedom

Ahhh...the sound of not-cheering is especially relaxing tonight.

You see, this year the Oilers (that's Edmonton's hockey team) did particularly well in the annual North American hockey tournament, otherwise known as the Stanley Cup Playoffs. With each passing week, victory grew nearer and Oilers fans grew louder and crazier. Eventually, game nights were filled with honking and partying, and there were even low-grade riots in parts of the city.

But last night the Oilers lost the season's final game. The Stanley Cup went to the other team, whose name escapes me at the moment. Local fans were mightily disappointed, and, somewhere drowning in the deep lakes of not-caring-about-hockey that fill my soul, there's a little part of me that enjoys their misery.

These fans have been annoying me on a nearly continual basis for two months now, so it's no surprise that I like to see them unhappy. The only thing I ever ask from the million or so citizens in this city is that they behave like law-abiding, marginally considerate people. Normally they do. But not during playoffs.

There was, for example, the incessant, all-night noise on victorious game nights. It was actually hard to sleep. And there was the Whyte Avenue riots, which involved hundreds of arrests. I can't even count the number of times in the last two months that some lunatic screamed incoherent Oilers-themed phrases at me while driving by in giant pickup truck. Some guy even tried to pick a fight with me when I didn't return his post-game high-five. He was making the same mistake that many Oilers fans have been making lately: assuming that everyone thinks hockey is important. I guess my lack of enthusiasm was an uncomfortable reminder that people do not normally high-five complete strangers when they pass on the street.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't resent anyone just because they like hockey. I mean, it's probably a good thing to have some meaningless fun in your life. The problem happens when you delude yourself into thinking that the rest of the world should care. For example, I really like video games. I've liked them my whole life. I like them as much as any Oilers fan likes hockey, and I'm not alone. But video games are no reason for me to get drunk and race up and down the street in a truck, honking and shouting all night. If I did something like that, people would think I was an ass. And they'd be right.

In the grand scheme of things, video games and hockey just don't matter. They're hobbies. If people were rioting with joy because we'd just solved global warming or fed the world's poor, at least they'd have a good reason for acting like jerks.

So here's a smugly self-satisfied list that might help prevent some overly-enthusiastic hockey fans from losing their grip on reality again next year:

1. In case you've forgotten, hockey is just a freakin' sporting event. A game. It is not worth losing your voice, your pride, your shirt, your clean criminal record, or your dignity over.
2. You might really like hockey, but that doesn't mean that all the rest of us do. Just because a lot of fans are loud, asinine hooligans doesn't mean that you can't be one of the considerate ones.
3. Stop saying things like "we won" and "we scored." A very small group of rich athletes (and their handlers) did those things. You just watched and drank beer.
4. Shaving your beard, throwing meat on the ice, and chanting quasi-religious slogans like "Oilers! I Believe! I Believe!" will have no effect at all on whether or not your chosen team wins. None.
5. If hockey (or video games) is the most important thing in your life, then you have an isolated, deeply pampered view of what's going on in the world these days.

At least for now it's over. But next year, instead of not caring who wins, I'm going to be actively rooting for the other team (whoever they are). It's not that I personally dislike the Oilers--it's just that the sooner they lose, the less I have to put up with their fans.